Sunday, December 23, 2012

Nothing Happens in The Asylum's 12/12/12: A Movie Review

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Director/writer: Jared Cohn.

Cast: Sara Malakul Lane, Jesus Guevara and Carl Donelson.

December 12, 2012 was a day that came and went with nothing significant to report. The Asylum's 12/12/12 does nothing to add to the date either. In a huge cosmological list of dates that are believed to be significant, no apocalypse happened and neither has mankind evolved to the next level. These ideas are all missed opportunities for writer and director Jared Cohn to play up.

Instead, this movie tried to introduce the world to a new threat, a different version of Chucky in the form of a baby mannequin prop. With a premise loosely based on Rosemary's Baby, this film suggests that children born under a powerful numerological date will become a vassal for a greater force. In this case, the devil has a human body and his name is Sebastian. But this film is hardly anything like The Omen. At least that movie was successful in revealing the Devil is smarter than the average human and he has an agenda! 

In 12/12/12, Old Nick has no intelligence to speak of. He's all carnal, a zombie baby that loves to nibble at throats than to suck on his mother's nipple. This one-dimensional creature is has no decent characterization to make him a worthy terror on-screen. Cohn could have thought his creation through some more when he was writing this story. 

He could have presented a film that showed how a mother's sacrifice could bring about mankind's redemption, or maybe how to tame the evil within. But instead, this creator presents an illogical tale. Even the introduction could have been pruned to heighten the suspense. When this movie starts with a mysterious coven about to commit a bloody sacrifice and then leap to the maternity wing of a hospital, was this product supposed to make a connection about the cycle of life and death in the universe?

There's not enough meat in the narrative to show this particular direction. Not even the secular demands Veronica (Sara Malakul Lane) asked for could have defined this film. Her principles reject delivering her baby via C-section. When considering how calm she is after all the blood is spilt—the doctor and nurse are dead after slicing her open—she must feel vindicated.

Veronica is seriously messed up to not even be bothered by the fact her bouncing baby boy can indeed bounce. She is not even distraught when her husband commits apparent suicide by drinking boiling hot water. But when Detective Barnes (Steve Hanks), a lollipop sucking cop, is on the case, just where this tale goes is out the back door. This movie is more of an unintentional comedy. No suspense or intrigue is built when Barnes slowly discovers what is going on. He seems to be several steps away from catching a Satan worshipping individual. Throughout most of the film, this monk-like figure is seen sulking about trying to kidnap Sebastian. This character delivers some simple creeps by simply being mysterious. But by the time viewers want to care, the fast forward button has been most likely pressed to skip the tedious parts of this narrative.

By the time this movie makes a few links about the end times, some interest for this movie is lost. Nobody cares that devil baby may become the ruler in the coming days after 12/12/12. But this movie does not make enough ties to the Book of Revelation to even suggest that. This movie does not have any redeeming qualities that can save it from oblivion. When the devil is let loose, the hell he makes screams low-budget all the way. Dante must be pissed.

Overall: 2.5 out of 10.

More details on the film can be found here:

12/12/12 at The Asylum

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